My Battle for Hope Returned
Seven years ago today, my life blew up. Seven years ago, I found out my entire adult life had been a lie, a sham, a game.
Not mine. His.
Seven years ago today the lives of my daughters crumbled at our feet, and no matter how I tried to clean up the mess, I could not.
I was there, too. At their feet.
It only occurred to me once in over 20 years that this wasn’t working. I found notes I’d made years later. Forgotten, and brushed aside with a determined dive into the bliss of denial.
My daughters had no bliss. Only attempts to cope.
My promise meant something, back there at 21. Young, naive, ready for an adventure. Til death do us part was etched on my soul, my heart. I meant every syllable. My love was fierce and knew no abandon.
All in, I was. Alone.
We had perfect babies, and on the outside, our slow but steady successes looked admirable. Enviable. I cried with loneliness over the years, silent tears to no avail.
Survival served me strength. A stubborn force of kept promises.
Seven years ago. A confession. Followed by another. And even more. Crushing blow after blow. And I raced within to know at last, my body always knew my truth.
My mind danced to catch up to the cruelty which was my life, there in emergency surgery.
My eyes craved to stay shut.
My heart begged to cease its beat.
My mind stopped the dance, and admitted defeat.
Again, my body understood more than I. Pulled me back to life at the sight of my daughters eyes. Now we all rallied in unison. Another breath. Another yet. My heart beat again and my mind caught up with my body at last. Together we can do this.
So the rally held. The eyes reopened with a gasp of fresh air.
Denial torn away now, I saw. I felt. I knew. Truth was cruel and hope disappeared under the wave of the deepest betrayals. Grief poured over me, around me, its riptides tearing me to shreds.
I greeted another day on this earth. And the day greeted me in return.
All the glue on earth could not mend the shreds. Vultures came from all around at the sight of a weakened heart. Lies. Deceit. Robbed me of any advantage I had left. And the glass was emptier still.
Lessons in cruelty from mistakes of misplaced trust.
Look inside again. Be still. Breathe. Look inside again. And up. Up is within. Look again.
And I did. I do.
I found there a well of what I was familiar with but thought gone.
Faith. Strength. Love. In that order.
And then she returned, my dear friend I had missed so deeply, my lover I had clung to for all my years. There she was, and I felt a smile tickle my lips as I greeted her home.
As always sending love and courage your way. Healing from this type of trauma can feel very discouraging more often than not, please do not give up. Please keep breathing.
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