The Beginning

I didn't know that, at 21 years old, I was marrying a pretender.  In fact, the question never even entered my mind, I mean, why would someone lie? What is there to gain from that? Who would want a relationship that wasn't truthful, intimate and emotionally safe? 

That was 1995. Early days where my awareness of trauma was concerned. In fact, I had none. I knew things hurt, and that if I did all the right things, it would be okay again. It wasn't. For over twenty years, it wasn't. 

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I was diagnosed with several autoimmune issues during those years, because I didn't know how to listen to my body, my intuition, or even my feelings. I knew they were there, but I didn't know what to do with them. So I lived in my conscious mind, because that's what we did in the mid 90's. I was hoping logic and trust in what I thought to be truth - hoped to be truth - would be all I needed. 

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The Red Flags I Missed 

Looking back, I missed red flags. I wasn't looking for them so yes, I missed them. Looking back, I should probably have left after the first 'indiscretion' about six months in to being married. Instead I stayed and cried a lot and accepted the apologies and promises. We even renewed our vows, a ceremonial new beginning for us both. 

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The thing is, looking back provides us not only all the things we missed at the time, but a lot of self judgement. My first go to is to blame myself, and I have for decades. I've blamed myself for marrying the wrong person, for being okay with breadcrumbs, for being too forgiving, too nice, too ....... basically anything. 

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The Shame Spiral

My first response in that season of 'disclosure' was yes, disgust at him and his choices, severe soul crushing disappointment that this life I thought I was building was actually nothing to him, and then shame. 

Boat loads of shame. I had allowed him around people I love - not only my daughters, which of course came first, but friends. Family. 

And the shame kept coming in. I disassociated from people because I couldn't stand the guilt I felt that I had brought such poison into their lives. And I know, looking back at the last decade of my own healing process, I have gaslit myself, I have hurt myself deeply, I have punished myself in ways that only tortured my weary soul more. 

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IF you're recognizing yourself in my story, please know, You're Not Broken. You're not 'too much'. You're not the only one who stayed, who trusted, who hoped. You're human. And you deserve compassion. Especially from yourself. 

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The Self Punishment Spiral

And I seen this pattern in my clients as well. A kind of self punishment for having been 'so dumb, so gullible, so giving, so naive' (you know what part of that list pertains to your own thoughts about yourself, feel free to add your own). 

Through my work as a trauma-informed coach and RIM® practitioner, I've seen this patter in so many women, which has inspired this process. Because it's time we offer this to ourselves. 

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The thing about this self blame is that we take it out on ourselves in ways we aren't even aware of. If we're able to find a trauma informed therapist or coach, they may call us out on it, but otherwise it's really a subconscious thing that's difficult to pinpoint. And therefore, to stop doing to ourselves. This self blame influences our choices, decisions, acceptance of what happens next .... it's everywhere, below the surface, driving our life and keeping us stuck. 

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I have worked hard to come to a place of forgiveness in order to be free of it all. Not to say what was done to me over 25 years was acceptable - it was not. The sexual assaults and manipulative tactics especially. The emotional abandonment and the tireless expectations. None of that was okay. But that's not what forgiveness is. And it isn't for the wrong doer, the abuser. It's for you. It's for me. To move forward in a new and fresh way. And I've worked through the layers to get me there. That's what we're told to do, right? 

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BUT, have I worked through all my own layers? Have I truly, deeply, authentically forgiven myself over these past ten years?  Have I really given that 21-year old naive girl that was me what she needs? And so many of my past selves still waiting for the healing and forgiveness and the subsequent freedom they each deserve? 

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Traditional Forgiveness vs Self Forgiveness

I realized that all my traditional healing work, therapy, forgiveness practices, personal development, had helped me forgive HIM. But I had never officially, ceremonially, sacredly forgiven MYSELF. And that's where I was still stuck. 

 

The Next Level Work

This is next level work. And they need us to do it. 

If you're reading this and thinking 'I've tried everything', I see you.

If you're exhausted from carrying shame that was never yours to carry, I feel you.

If you're ready to stop being your own worst enemy, I'm here for you. 

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I want to give you permission for something: You don't have to carry this alone anymore. You don't have to figure out self-forgiveness by yourself. You don't have to keep trying the same approaches that haven't worked. There's a different way. 

 

This is why I've put together what I'm calling The Art of Self Forgiveness bundle, beginning with the quiz to show us where we're at, and then an entire ceremonial process, including sacred forgiveness for our past selves, for our today selves, in a 21 day gently guiding process. I'm adding in meditations with specific healing frequencies to this journey to really come at this as powerfully as possible.

Maybe you'd like to try it. Or maybe you'd like to just be aware of where your own self forgiveness is at.  

Either way, you're welcome here, and I am so glad you've decided to raise your awareness of where you're at in this process. As I dive deeper and further into this process, I am keenly aware of how sacred this process is. 

I hope it is for you too. 

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Your Invitation to Freedom

This isn't about 'getting over it' or 'moving on.' This is about integration, ceremony, and making your self-forgiveness so official that your soul remembers it forever. This is about writing letters to the parts of you that have been waiting decades for someone to understand. This is about freedom. 

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I hope this process becomes as sacred for you as it has been for me. I hope you discover what I discovered: that you are worthy of your own forgiveness, your own compassion, your own freedom.

You've survived 100% of your worst days. Now it's time to officially forgive yourself for all of it.

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Your freedom is waiting.

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Strength and Courage and Love to you on your journey, 

Jewelle 

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Now that you know my story, I'm curious about yours. Where are you in your own self-forgiveness journey? The quiz below will help you discover your unique self-forgiveness style and give you a personalized roadmap to freedom.

It takes just 3 minutes, and your results might surprise you.

Ready to find out if you're your own worst enemy - or your greatest ally?

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