Feeling Small in the Face of Truth
When the light of Truth shone on my life, I felt small, helpless, hopeless. I could not defend myself against Truth.
In my journal I wrote:
Truth is Truth. Even if I don't like it, even if I don't accept it, Truth is Truth. It can and will not be denied.
There was no "my truth" or "your truth" anymore. The facts had been revealed, and my life crashed in to a thousand painful shards, surrounding me with aha moments as I now looked in the rearview mirror of my life. My memories were instantly colored in this truth as my future became invisible to me. And in the presence of all this, I felt small. Powerless.
How did I get here? What could I do with this new Truth in my life?
Standing in the face of all this TRUTH, a changed reality, we can all feel small. Truth is big! And it can overwhelm the most determined of us. So how, then, do we move on?
It was at this time I realized that, over the years, I had been guided in to feeling smaller and smaller, less and less significant. I had become an afterthought to even myself. My dreams, my purpose, my desires, had been on the back burner so long, it was hard to remember what they were. My sheer willpower had been keeping me moving forward, but the passion, the fire, was dimming year in, year out. Throw in a few perceived failures, and there I was - tiny and insignificant. And broken.
I had given so much of myself, there was little "me" left. And I felt small.
I hid inside my home, away from everyone, to try to get a grasp on this newly exposed reality. To reset the puzzle pieces of my life, to try to regain some semblance of sanity. Looking back now, with the new information I have learned since then, I realize I suffered from "loss overload" in addition to the PTSD. Ah. Okay, that makes sense.
I allowed myself the time to grieve and mourn. And after a few months, I began to consciously listen again to that tiny voice inside me. Thing is, the more I listened, the more it grew. The tiny sparks began to glow, and the fire burned again. Taller, brighter, than before! My voice is more solid now, after what I call my "desert journey". I take steps outside my comfort zone, and stretch the elastic band of my healing muscles - every time, able to take a few steps further. I have more clarity now as well, my purpose drives me onward with an unmatched fierceness now. And guess what, I no longer feel small. Because my truth, my purpose, my drive, have adjusted my view of my me in this world.
I no longer feel small. And when it tries to sneak back in on me, I know how to outgrow that way of being, by taking my focus off me and back on to my truth, my purpose of bringing light, awareness and healing to the world through the power of story. In this case, my own.
My Truth and My Purpose, and my Confidence in them, are bigger than I am. And they will not be Denied. They drive me onward, as I move forward now with renewed focus to where I know I am meant to be. With renewed fervor, I w