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Why No Contact is not Always the Answer

Everywhere I look and everything I read says, GO NO CONTACT with the narcissist and/or abuser you are distancing yourself from.


And it's true, it does help to protect you against further outside manipulation of your emotions.


Going no contact will certainly allow you to normalize your nervous system somewhat, hopefully find some level of peace, or at least find a sense of pride in yourself for finally making your self a priority in your story. And if this is a part of your journey already, I celebrate this huge accomplishment with you!


BUT ( you knew there was a but coming, here it is) BUT what about all those men and women who have shared children with the abuser that yes, they would love to go no contact with but can not.

What about them?

By continually pushing this concept of no contact on trauma survivors who do not have that choice, we are causing even more FRUSTRATION and feelings of HELPLESSNESS because they do not have this choice.


Again and again, as I work with my clients, there is the issue of HOW DO I GO CONTACT when children are needing to be co-parented and physical custody is shared?

THIS is the tricky aspect to the no contact policy. And the pain I see in my clients' eyes when they talk about this constant advice they are absolutely unable to follow.


So let's be a bit more realistic shall we? Let's move past the immediate, knee jerk response, and look at the whole picture.


Here we go:


One of my clients has an ex that nightmares are made of. I won't go into details here, just trust me on this one. From sexual abuse to financial control ... this narcissist has all the traits. And, unfortunately, all the apparent power.


No contact was never going to be an option for this beautiful client of mine.

So we began to look at patterns that can be interrupted with a broader set of boundaries.

And, one of my favorite strategies: PATTERN INTERRUPT.