Our Feelings are Not Our Truth
Warm Greetings to all of you, my dear readers! Welcome back to The Art of Onward.
Last week was a heavy one for me, and I thank each of you for your warmth and encouragement via private message. The outpouring of love and kind support truly gave me strength, and I thank you each from the bottom of my heart.
As I contemplated this week about my list of losses, I continued to return to the first in the list: I had lost my faith.
Today, I'd like to share with you how without faith during exactly the moment I thought I'd lost it, I would not be here today, to hopefully inspire your healing journey with this blog.
PTSD is caused my various types of traumas, as we are all well aware of, and I didn't even realize I was suffering from it. No one told me ... which again halted my recovery, because I didn't know where to look for help. I know it would have been super helpful if my therapist had told me, but she didn't, until about a month prior to my emergency surgery. When she did, I felt this huge wave of validating Aha! realizations wash over me. My lack of focus, my odd behaviours at times, the fact I was finding myself staring blindly at shelves at the grocery store ... it all started to make a little more sense. And when nothing in life makes sense anymore, it sure is valuable to have at least my journey somehow defined.
Do I want it to define me? By no means. Not for a second. Because I'd rather be defined by my personhood, my heart and what I have contributed to this world we all find ourselves living, and journeying in. But in that moment, it helped to define what I was up against, and sometimes that's the key to stumbling in the right direction ... there was a light of clarity in the distance of the darkness I could now move toward.
But let's return to the faith I thought I'd lost.
Looking back it was not the faith, it was a massive disappointment, and subsequent anger, that I felt abandoned by my God. Somehow I'd been living in the belief that just because I was a conscientious lover of people and this earth, I would be surrounded with the same type of person, or that I would somehow escape the hardships others were suffering from. If I worked hard enou