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The Dark Depths of Depression

August 21, 2018

 

You wake up. Your lids are too heavy to lift. Besides, why should you. You know what you'll see, just the same old wall, in the same old life you suffer day in and down out. 

You wake up. Wait, does that mean you actually finally fell asleep? You must have. Somehow, miraculously, your mind shut off somewhere and the exhaustion of your struggle enabled you a touch of healing sleep. 

But you don't feel healed. And, now that you think of it, you don't feel awake. 

You haven't in quite some time. 

 

You lay there. Eyes sealed within their cocoon of darkness. Like your heart, your mind, your body. Your entire being is somehow stuck here, and even the thought of moving fills you with dread. And when you try, there's pain. 

Yes, your mind hurts. Your heart hurts. Your body hurts. They are one. And they are nothing to you now. 

 

You open your eyes at long last. The effort makes you want to close them again and drift away. Again. 

 

It is only the knowledge that you'll be laying for hours upon painful hours, with that illustrious "drift" a dim light at the end of the dark tunnel that holds you in perpetual lethargy and the grey fog of nothingness, that somehow has you moving your feet toward the ground, and in some sort of automated motion, you stand and stumble toward your morning pee. 

 

Already, you find yourself yearning for the end of this day. When you can lay down and sleep, shut it all out. Why? Even that desire is empty, because you know when you get there, the struggle does and will not end, it didn't last night, and it won't tonight. 

But still, falling asleep tonight is the lure that will get you through this foggy day. We all need something to look forward to, even if it's a false hope. 

Your body somehow has you pouring yourself a cup of coffee, and you sip it slowly ... you dare yourself to find food. Maybe you'll be able to eat it this time. 

 

DEPRESSION 

 

You talk yourself away from this diagnosis, because the stigma is such a dangerous cliche, and you're not "one of those people". Or maybe you've accepted it now, because you've been here long enough. 

 

The world has become a dark place without inspiration, hope, faith, and especially love. And actually, you're okay with that these days, because those simply take too much effort anyway. Might as well just get through the day somehow without attempting the hallmark card life. 

 

This grey is quite cozy. 

This darkness is quite soothing. Safe even. 

You no longer care. And you are quite certain no one else cares either. 

You put one step ahead of the other and somehow find yourself performing the tasks society and your lifestyle have laid out for you. 

 

And your heart remains empty. Sad. Lonely. Silently screaming for more, but unheard in its helpless pleas. 

 

IF THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE - EVEN JUST ONE PART OF THIS - PLEASE KNOW THERE IS HELP. IT MIGHT BE EXHAUSTING JUST TO THINK ABOUT GETTING IT, FINDING IT, ARRANGING IT, BUT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE, 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

 

And please hear this

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS!

YOU DESERVE JOY AND A LIFE YOU WOULD LOVE! 

 

THIS IS NOT A FOREVER PLACE YOU NEED TO STAY IN

YOU ARE NOT STUCK HERE

IT WILL GET BETTER

 

 

If you can't see the truth in these statements, please know it is enough for you to believe that I believe ... just this tiny ray of hope will begin to open the doors to your healing. 

And it is this, your healing, that matters most now. 

You are not put on this earth to be a slot machine of tasks and dollars, you are not here to float through days in quiet pain. 

Read the above statements again. Just stare at them for a moment. Let them really soak in. They are yours. And they are truth. 

 

Tomorrow morning, when you wake up, and this cycle repeats itself, try this: 

 

Think about 3 things you are grateful for. 

Exhale

Think about 1 thing you would like to do today that fills you with even the tiniest flutter of a butterfly in your spirit

Exhale

2 more things you are grateful for (can be your bed, blanket, pillow, home, oxygen, fingers ... anything)

 

Slowly now, smile. Just to yourself. Your eyes can still be closed. 

If it isn't a happy smile, or authentic in any way, that's okay. Just let your cheeks and lips feel what a smile feels like - even just for a moment. 

Exhale

 

Now, slowly move your feet toward the ground. And get that coffee or tea or whatever you enjoy in the morning, and enjoy it. 

Read out loud the Self Love Statements (self-love-boost-power-statements)- I know, it's weird to read out loud sometimes. But that's okay. Send the message of love to your you, and let that soak in. 

 

It takes a minimum of 65 days for our minds to accept and adopt new patterns. If this feels like it offers you a stronger way to start your day, keep it going for 65 days, and you'll find it becoming a natural pattern as you awaken to your mornings. 

 

If you would like some one-on-one help, someone to hold your hand and walk this journey with you, please feel free to contact me. 

I am accepting additional sessions starting September 1st and have a few packages you can choose from. 

 

I'm here. Shoot me a note at theartofonward@gmail.com and we'll set up a call to see if I can be of service to you and your journey. 

 

So much love to each of you, thank you for returning to read this blog. 

~Jewelle

 

Download your Self Love Boosting Statements here: 

https://mailchi.mp/fd07ecedcbe7/self-love-boost-power-statements

Print them and stick them to your bathroom mirror, or next to your coffee maker ... whichever will help you see them and read them.