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The Dark Depths of Depression


Original Painting by Jewelle

You wake up. Your lids are too heavy to lift. Besides, why should you. You know what you'll see, just the same old wall, in the same old life you suffer day in and down out.

You wake up. Wait, does that mean you actually finally fell asleep? You must have. Somehow, miraculously, your mind shut off somewhere and the exhaustion of your struggle enabled you a touch of healing sleep.

But you don't feel healed. And, now that you think of it, you don't feel awake.

You haven't in quite some time.

You lay there. Eyes sealed within their cocoon of darkness. Like your heart, your mind, your body. Your entire being is somehow stuck here, and even the thought of moving fills you with dread. And when you try, there's pain.

Yes, your mind hurts. Your heart hurts. Your body hurts. They are one. And they are nothing to you now.

You open your eyes at long last. The effort makes you want to close them again and drift away. Again.

It is only the knowledge that you'll be laying for hours upon painful hours, with that illustrious "drift" a dim light at the end of the dark tunnel that holds you in perpetual lethargy and the grey fog of nothingness, that somehow has you moving your feet toward the ground, and in some sort of automated motion, you stand and stumble toward your morning pee.

Already, you find yourself yearning for the end of this day. When you can lay down and sleep, shut it all out. Why? Even that desire is empty, because you know when you get there, the struggle does and will not end, it didn't last night, and it won't tonight.

But still, falling asleep tonight is the lure that will get you through this foggy day. We all need something to look forward to, even if it's a false hope.

Your body somehow has you pouring yourself a cup of coffee, and you sip it slowly ... you dare yourself to find food. Maybe you'll be able to eat it this time.

DEPRESSION

You talk yourself away from this diagnosis, because the stigma is such a dangerous cliche, and you're not "one of those people". Or maybe you've accepted it now, because you've been here long enough.

The world has become a dark place without inspiration, hope, faith, and especially love. And actually, you're okay with that these days, because those simply take too much effort anyway. Might as well just get through the day somehow without attempting the hallmark card life.

This grey