Real Time Trigger Process
My legs are shaking. And I'm sitting. My hands are shaking as I write this. My heart is skipping around like a lost bunny rabbit and my mind is threatening to enter panic mode.
This moment, this exact time of day on this exact day three years ago is the moment my trauma occurred.
And life changed.
I lost my faith, because I couldn't understand how God had been blind to my plight.
I lost the future I had held on to for years.
I lost hope.
I lost me.
I lost my memories - now tainted with truth.
I lost my fire. My Passion. My heart shattered in to a thousand pieces, and I would spend the next six months in shock, trying to breathe, unable to eat or sleep. Curled in a tight ball of tension, gasping for air and begging the day to end so I could sleep. But I wouldn't be able to when that time finally came.
In the face of so much loss, my mind broke along with my heart. This is what trauma does to a person. I panicked, I went directly in to survival, fix everything mode.
I could not beat the shatter of everything around me crumbling in to nothing. I scrambled to keep what I'd thought I had, I fought tooth and nail for a life I would later realize I could never return to. I became hyper vigilant in every aspect ... my mind was a cruel tornado of thoughts battling the hurricanes of my new reality.
The shock of it. Of the Truth.
Such is the sudden loss of innocence. It can rob us of our sanity. It can silence us, isolate us, throw us in to depression, as it locks us into the darkness of our broken mind.